This is the end of you and me

Felix,

There’s no easy way to say this, and I know  you won’t appreciate any bullshit, so I’ll just be straight with you.

I’m leaving.

I can’t do this anymore.  This whole domestic thing just isn’t me.  It was fun while it lasted, but I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.  I’ve been losing myself to someone else.  I don’t want to pretend anymore, so this is the end.  The person that you want is just everything I’m not.  You’ll find her, but it’s not me.  I tried to love you, but I never did. I just couldn’t do it. It’s not who I am.

Whatever you do, don’t come after me.  Just let me go.  Don’t try to follow me.

gatet

 

Something is coming

I have had the MOST bizarre week! Ever since I got home from Volterra, I’ve been jumpy and paranoid. I swear there’s been a new scent on the wind, something familiar and strange all at the same time. Then to make matters worse, Felix calls me all “sorry babe, can’t come this weekend. Shit’s going down around here.” So I’m all well shit. I’ve already been bored and freaked out this week, and now I don’t even get to see Fe. So I’m trying to keep myself occupied, right? And I get SO bored that I even start working on the Enzo. I know, bored out of my f’ing mind. So I’m all underneath the car, blaring the Veronicas, singing along and out of freaking NO WHERE Fe shows up! And the most bizarre part of this? He acts like there was no big drama shit going down. I’m all “uh, say what?” Yeah, whatevs.
I’m so totally jazzed that he’s here now, though. And I finally made a decision that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I finally decided to let Fe see my past. I pulled out my ao dai that I’ve been carrying around with me everywhere, and I put it on. Man, it felt so weird but so good at the same time to be back in it. It’s been a decade. I rarely wore it at home. I guess I thought it was more like a straightjacket, something made to restrain me and hold me back than something beautiful to remind me of why I loved my home. Just the scents on the fabric make me feel happy. That ao dai only has happy memories for me. Memories of my sisters, of my mother. It used to be hers. She would wear it when we were little. I can hear her voice, her singing us lullabies every time I hold it. Anyway, so I put it on, put my hair up like my mother used to, and I finally showed my baby where I came from. I figure, I belong to him now, so my past, present and future all belong to him as well. He might as well know what he’s getting. I think maybe when I go back to check on my family, maybe I’ll buy some more ao dais. Maybe I’ll start wearing them more often. Maybe. Maybe.

 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I have a lot to catch up on. Tons of stuff has changed.
So it all started when we were in Napa, right?  Just me and my girls, Mary and Leice, chilling in a vineyard, enjoying a beautiful clear night when out of NO WHERE Felix shows up!  And then he whisks me off to a fancy pants hotel where we are properly reunited for the next 24 hours.

He insisted on meeting my friends and like a fool, I thought it’d be a good idea and he’d be mature enough to be polite around Mary.  It was going pretty well until he called Mary a criminal.  Kai kinda freaked out and then it was like a massive stare-down between him and Fe.  Meanwhile, Leice and I are trying to lighten the mood, so we just start laughing hysterically over nothing.  Renata called Felix not too long after and I was forced to say my good-byes.

You see, Fe had asked me to move back to Italy with him.  I kinda had a feeling this was coming so I had come up with a compromise.  I’m not ready to settle down in Volterra and be little suburban Volturi housewife.  That’s not me now and I doubt that’ll ever be me.  So instead, I had Scarlett whip me up some documents saying I was a Spanish citizen and that I had gone to school in Spain.  I was planning on living at the house in Saint Adrià de Besòs while going to the university in Barcelona.  To my immense reliefe and surprise, Felix actually agreed to it!  We can see each other on the weekends, when he’s not working, and I’ll go see him whenever I have a school holiday.  And somehow, it will work out.  It has to work out.  Failure is absolutely not an option here.

So, back to where I was.  Saying my good-byes to everyone.  It was so hard to say farewell to the wonderful people I had just met.  Kai was so much like a big brother, a good one who is actually there to protect you.  Smarty’s been beyond amazing, hanging out with me and listening to my issues.  He’s the reason I’m going to school.  He didn’t let his circumstances hold him back, and I shouldn’t either.  Leice promised to come visit me in Spain, and I’m holding her to that.  It was hardest to say good-bye to Mary.  She’d been so awesome to me.  I think she was my first real, true friend.

After the farewells, Fe and I headed to the airport to fly back to Washington, and from there back to Italy.  Somewhere over the Atlantic I had a mini-panic attack, wondering what I had gotten myself into.  Fe helped calm me down, though, and sooner than I knew, we were smack dab in the middle of Volterra, surrounded by Fe’s sisters and brothers, and even one of the bossmen, Marcus.  I just kind of hid behind Fe and tried not to be too overwhelmed.  Eventually they all dispersed, leaving Fe and Corin arguing over what Cor was gonna get for helping us out with travel arrangements.  Finally Corin did his crazy little teleporting thing and we were home.  Yes, home, I said those words.  I actually felt calm, relaxed, at peace when I saw that house, when I walked through the door.  After that….well…..Felix and I enjoyed our time together immensely.  He eventually took me shopping towards the end of the weekend as he had ruined a large portion of my wardrobe.  I think I found my new favorite place in the entire world: the Passeig de Gràcia.  It’s the most expensive street in Spain.  Burberry, Chanel, Cartier, to just name a few.  I’m completely spoiled and I love it.

All too soon, though, our weekend together was over and I was left to entertain myself.  I started with redecorating and feng shui-ing the bedroom.  Eventually I’ll get to the entire house.  That kept me busy for about a day.  And then I wandered down Passeig de Gràcia again, this time spending a good deal of time and money in Cartier.  In the end, though, I gave in to my nomadic nature and took a last minute trip to Tokyo to visit Leice.  It was going great….until Felix got a call from his bank about some “suspicious” charges.  Whatev.  He got all worked up over it and started demanding that I tell him whenever the mood strikes me to travel.  Please, he knows what I am.  I need my freedom and the ability to take off whenever I want.  He can’t expect to keep me caged up like a bird with clipped wings.  Whatever.  He’ll learn soon enough.

Wow.  And so FINALLY that is what has been happening in my life!

 

When did it all change?

She said, “I’ve got to be honest,
You’re wasting your time if you’re fishin’ around here.”
And I said, “You must be mistaken,
I’m not foolin’, this feelin’ is real.”
She said, “You’ve gotta be crazy!
What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?”

“You’ve got wits,
You’ve got looks,
You’ve got passion,
But I swear that you’ve got me all wrong.”

All wrong
But you’ve got me

I’ll be true, I’ll be useful, I’ll be cavalier,
I’ll be yours my dear
And I’ll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So don’t complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made,
What’s the sense in waiting?

I said, “I’ve got to be honest,
I’ve been waiting for you all of my life.”
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane.
I fear I’ll go crazy if you leave my side.

“You’ve got wits,
You’ve got looks,
You’ve got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?”

Tonight
You’ve got me

I’ll be true, I’ll be useful, I’ll be cavalier,
I’ll be yours my dear
I’ll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go. So don’t complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what’s the sense in waiting?

-Dashboard Confessional

 

My trip thus far

Well.  Where do I begin?

I guess the one word to best describe everything would be: interesting.

Although I must confess after those first few dramatic days, things have gotten kind of dull.  Peter and Charlotte are nearly always hidden away together, Mary’s found some new friend, and the rest of the boys are always off doing who knows what.

Don’t get me wrong, I usually like being alone, but not when I’m trying to get acclimated to a completely different place.  Not to mention I’m still trying to find my feet with this completely different culture.  I’m really starting to get homesick.

On the upside, I found I may have a visitor of my own to be expecting within the next little while.  Don’t want to get my hopes up too high, however, in case he changes his mind.  Of course, he’d be a fool to do so, but he still very well could.

Ah well, back to the dancefloor.  I’m going to try and hit every club I can before we move on, try and dance everything that’s troubling me away.

 

Learning from your mistakes

I just want to say thanks.

Because of you’re example, I’m going to avoid making the same mistake.

I’m going to save myself from the heartache and heartbreak you went through.

Thanks for reminding me that love’s just an illusion after all.  That people like you and me aren’t cut out for the long haul.

I lost myself for a little while there, but you reminded me of what I am, what we are.

So I slipped back into my old ways.  There’s no betrayal if there’s no one to betray.  I needed to remember that people like him and his don’t give a shit about us.

Thanks, for all of that.

 

Ain’t no rest for the wicked

I don’t understand you.

One minute we’re lying in bed, dazed by each other.  The next, you’re cold and distant.  And the minute after that, I find myself in your arms again, being kissed as I’ve never been kissed before, kissing back as I’ve never kissed anyone before.

But now I’m gone, so none of it really matters, I guess.  Despite his promises, he’ll forget me soon enough, and I’ll do my best to forget him, or at least not think about him so much.

Starting now.

Which is fine because I have plenty of other things to think about besides unmentionable people.  For starters, even though Thiang is dead, Kiet is not.  He will figure out soon enough that she’s not alive, even with the fake text I sent him from her phone.  Then he’ll just send someone else after me.  He’ll never give up.  I don’t know how he found out about my sisters, either.  The only thing I can think of is that Thiang had followed me to Spain and had gotten close enough to over hear my conversation with /him/ when I told the story of my sisters.

But now Kiet knows.  And that changes everything.

It’s only a matter of time before he tracks them down.  And I can’t stop him.  Not by myself.  I’m no match for Kiet, not to mention the rest of the coven.  I feel so guilty, partying here in the states while my sisters could be facing their deaths at the hands of my enemy.  I know they’re safe as long as Kiet doesn’t tell me he has them.  He may lie and say he knows where they are when he doesn’t, but he won’t wait to brag when he finally does find them.  So for now I put on a happy face and play the part of nonchalant mistress of the night for all the new people I’m meeting, while in the back of my head I’m dying to go back to Vietnam, to check on them.

But that leaves me back to, what if they’re not okay?  What if Kiet does find them?  What do I do then?  I’m back to square one, I’m all alone.  I can’t defend them.  I feel so helpless.  There was one offer….  But no, I can’t let him.  He’s already done enough.  He doesn’t need to save me again.  I’ll face Kiet on my own.  I’ll enjoy my time here and then I’ll go straight home to Vietnam where I will either secure my sisters’ safety or die trying.

 

Excuse me?

Um, what just happened here?

It was all going so well.  Then I got that damned text.  I swear, one day, I’m going to learn how to fight and I’m going straight to Thailand to kill Kiet or be killed in the process.  He never even knew where my sisters were.  I read through Thiang’s phone before tossing it.  It was a ploy he used to draw me out.  No matter, I would’ve gone anyway.  I would’ve gone to keep them safe.

And then HE has to get involved, be all hero and knight-in-shining armor-ish.  I didn’t ask him to.  He f’ing volunteered.  I told him not to.  I told him I didn’t need him.  I didn’t want him or anyone else fighting my battles.  But like a dumbass I didn’t protest hard enough.  I caved.  I told him everything about Kiet.  I did it for my sisters.  I thought he could help me.  What a fool I am.  He sure enough had the part of nice guy down.  He was so fun to be around and I found it so easy to tell him the hardest parts of my story.  It was all just a ruse though.  I was never anything more than an object, just like with all the others.  I don’t know why I ever thought he was in the slightest bit different.  So stupid.

Anyway, he comes and does his hero rescuing the damsel in distress shit and then he just tells me to f’ing leave.  I’m all ready to show him my gratitude however he needs and he kicks me out, like I’m a piece of trash.  Probably realized that I was more trouble than I was worth.  Probably thought he’d be saving my sorry ass all the time.  I’m such a fool.  Got in way deeper than I thought.  Now I have to cover up even more wounds and put on my badass face.  And I was so happy that they were safe.  That’s all I cared about.  Now I can barely find comfort in that.

Now what?  Now where do I go?  Stuck wandering the streets of Barcelona, looking for a meal, preferably a rich meal as I threw out over half my stuff because it smelled like him.  Overreaction?  Probably.  But necessary.  The last thing I need is to be wandering the states and get a whiff of him off a shirt, then have a mental breakdown.

One thing I know, never again will I be with a vamp.  Tried it twice and both times have led to nothing but problems.  So here’s tip #1 from Thanh’s Field Guide:

1.  Never, ever, ever try to have a casual fling with a vampire.

2.  Especially if that vampire is a dumbass Volturi.

 

Oh. Shit.

One text from Kiet. “You’re coming home. Today.”

She’s found me.

 

Stalker much?

Brief history of Thanh’s love life post-vampirism: 3 years of wandering around Vietnam, China, etc. using only mortal men, and occasionally women. After about 3 years, I went to Thailand and ran into a coven there. Had a brief fling with a guy named Kiet then took off when he wanted me to settle. Since then, I’ve gone back to having mortals fulfill my needs, up until a few days ago when I came to Spain and met Felix.
I think part of the reason why I was a tad nervous about meeting Felix was because I have such limited experience with male vampires. I mean, Kiet /was/ better than mortals, but honestly not by much. The only reason I stayed with him for those couple weeks was because he was unbreakable. But then he started throwing the “M” word around. I’m no one’s /shudders/ mate. So I took off one day when he was out hunting. I’m not one for good-byes. There are only 3 people I owe a good-bye to, but I haven’t brought myself to give it to them just yet. Anyway, so I bolt like any sane nomad would do. Unfortunately, Kiet was the leader and a member of this Thai coven, Thiang, is a tracker. Nothing special, not like that Demetri that I heard about in the Volturi. But she still has chased me all over Asia. I think part of the reason I was so willing to leave my continent was to shake her off my trail. She was starting to get annoyingly close and I never enjoy having to watch my back.
This all would be kind of bearable, if it wasn’t for the fact that Kiet insists on still trying to get in touch with me. About once a month he tries to call or text me. Lately, though, it’s been getting worse. I wonder if he knows I’m with another vamp, as the texts have been coming several times a day since I’ve been in Europe. And no matter how I ignore him or how many times I tell him to back off, he just won’t let go. I know, simple, just change my cell number, right? Wrong. This number is the same one I’ve had since before I was turned. It’s the number that my sisters know. It’s the number I keep praying that one day, they’ll send a text to, hoping that I’m still out there alive somewhere. It’s the number I’ll use to tell them not to worry, whenever I get the courage.
So I guess for now I deal with Kiet’s harassment. A part of me is enjoying the safety I feel with Felix, knowing there’s someone to protect me if the tracker should get near, if he cares enough to protect me, that is. But I know eventually she’ll find me here and eventually she’ll get me alone. I don’t stand a chance against her. The Thai didn’t teach me how to fight. I was to be the chief’s wife, after all. I wouldn’t have needed to know how to fight. I’ve seen Thiang fight another vamp, I’d be dead if I resisted or I’d be Kiet’s wife if I didn’t. From the texts and calls I’ve been getting, I think Thiang is getting close. It’s gotten me skittish and I’m getting anxious to leave. I don’t know if she’ll be able to follow me across the Atlantic. I hope not. Even if she does, though, I’ll still be surrounded by other nomads, and from the sound of it, large male nomads. Or even better, maybe Kiet will have given up by then. Until then, I keep moving with one eye cast behind me.